


Captain's Log: Stardate...uh...of incredible importance, I assure you...

by deathofsanity



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Slash, captain's logs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-01-11 14:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 6,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1174073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathofsanity/pseuds/deathofsanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Space... The Final ... um, what's that word again? Dammit! How do you rewind this thing? Crack humor, with a little slash thrown in. Eventually. Probably. The future's a bit unclear at this point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Captain's Log 1

CAPTAIN'S LOG

 

**Captain's Log: Stardate 3203.6.**

Landing party has arrived on a previously unexplored M Class planet. Commander Spock, Dr. McCoy, and I, as well as two armed security personnel – *crash!bang! ***** \- Make that one armed security person... el.... Mr. Spock tells me there are multiple forms of life upon the planet, including intelligent, humanoid beings of pre-industrial... oh, here's some now....

 

**Captain's Log, supplemental:**

We've been taken hostage, for unknown reasons.... Shut up, Bones, I'm aware I probably shouldn't have _leered,_ like you said, at his wife, but really.... Crap, can I erase that last statement? Dammit, Bones, you've messed up my Log. Now I have to start over....

 

**Captain's Log, supplemental:**

Mr. Spock informs me that the inhabitants of this planet seem to be very wary of anything out of the ordinary. Such as three people in brightly colored uniforms suddenly appearing in a flash of blinding light in the middle of a ceremony.... Oh, wait, here they come again. Maybe they want to – Oh. Lost the other security guard. Seems they aren't much for talking.

 

**Captain's Log, supplemental:**

Well, I told Scotty if we hadn't checked in within the hour, that he was to beam us back up, but it seems – yes, thank you, Bones, you're bitching is _really_ helping us out right now. Let's keep it up, maybe if you yell _really_ loud, your serious passion about all things emotional will magically get us out of this in one piece – as I was saying, it seems something's off up there. Admittedly, Scotty's been out of sorts lately. Keep's asking me for advice on picking up women and then blushing like schoolboy when I ask who he's interested in. Maybe he finally got up the courage.... Well, at least _something's_ going right today. That or he's on the sauce, again.

 

 

**Captain's Log: Stardate... The Next Day, Morning, I Think**

I knew this already, but Bones – Oh, sorry, Dr. McCoy – is impossible to cohabitate with. Not only does he snore and grumble in his sleep, he – Yes, Spock, I am perfectly aware that the Log is not meant to be complained to, but you refuse to listen and I've got to tell somebody. _As_ I was saying, Bones – oh, shit, he's waking up! Quick, Spock, act natural. Yes, that's right. That blank, vacant look always works wonders.

 

**Captain's Log: supplemental**

Well, we made it back to the Enterprise. Spock did something genius with a tissue and piece of copper wire that got us a signal to call the ship, and we beamed right out of that prison cell. If you could call it a prison cell. It was more of a teepee with with guards. I would have gotten us out eventually.... I'm being told that I'm digressing from the point of the Captain's Log. _Yes_ , Spock, to _succinctly inform, without being over- bla bla bla._ Thanks for reminding me. Anyway. Peace. Kirk, out.


	2. Captain's Log 2

CAPTAIN'S LOG II

 

**Captain's Log: Stardate 3305.4**

Yet, another unknown, weird, impossible thing in space seems to be playing chicken with us. We go left, it follows. We go right, it follows. We back up, it follows. We go straight at it, it backs up. We – right, sorry, Spock – Point is, it's there, it's not going away, and Spock has no ideas for me to steal. It kind of looks like misshapen fuzzy sock. But made of plasma.

 

**Captain's Log, supplemental:**

We've... been here... for... three hours. The unknown... object.. has............notgoneaway. *Click!hiss!* Ow! Dammit, Bones, enough with the hypos! I'm not hallucinating, I just... got bored. That's cool though right? Really dramatic. Maybe I'll... talk like... this..........from now on. Bones, I don't like that look you're giving me. Spock, make him stop looking at me like that *sigh* Fine, I'll stop. Oh, shit! I left the Log on again!

 

**Captain's Log, supplemental:**

I've recently discovered, that, no, you cannot edit the Captain's Log. Apparently, we're supposed to be intelligent enough to maintain composure while making recordings – I'll have to thank Spock for that little tidbit of unwanted information later. Anyway, the sock's still out there. Staring into our souls, I'm sure. Lieutenant Uhura has been trying tirelessly to make contact with it, but no progress has been made.

 

**Captain's Log, supplemental:**

Against all advice, as usual – you guys suck, by the way – I've decided that the best course of action is

to fire a shot at the sock and see what it'll to. Dr. McCoy said something about poking the bear. Another one of his freaking metaphors – nobody understands what you're trying to say, Bones, stop speaking in riddles. My brain hurts. Fire, Mr. Checkov.

 

**Captain's Log, supplemental:**

Ow... Now my brain really hurts. Apparently phasers just bounce off the sock and go right back where they came from. Negligible damage recorded, we're just a bit shaken up. And Spock bangs are a bit disheveled.

 

**Captain's Log, supplemental:**

Dear god, how many of these things have I made today. Anyway... we got away! It had been nearly five hours, and everybody was half-asleep in their chairs, and Uhura just started humming a song. The sock got a bit blurry around the edges and wobbled a bit; it looked like the song was working for it. So I made her do a little number, and it just disappeared. Sweet, right. All the thing wanted was a round of Kumbayya, and it was happy to let us go. Spock looks about ready to have a fit at all the illogic of it, but hey, not everything is supposed to make sense. - It's okay, Spock. You'll get the next one, I'm sure.

Kirk, out.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think.


	3. Medical Log 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's log: Well, this is just a quickie. The first of many interludes in a series of non-Kirk logs. Enjoy! Bones is such an angry person isn't he?

MEDICAL LOG I: Lenard McCoy

 

**Medical Log: Stardate 3945.5**

Well, Jim – sorry, the Captain – has gone and fucked the goose again. Half the ship's crew have managed to catch a rare, but albeit, treatable, non-fatal disease which causes them to pass out when their heart rate goes above 110. Then, the Idiot approved shore leave on one of Casseopia's Pleasure Planets, fucking _against my_ advice, and, believe it or not, when one pursues _pleasure_ on a _pleasure planet,_ people's heart rates tend to _rise,_ goddammit. _Someday,_ maybe, he'll learn to listen to me. I got one Ensign here in Sick Bay who _insists_ that the girl she was _with_ told her that she'd give her something _special_ if she came to see her again, and _instists_ that I release her from my care so that she can go _back_. The fact that she still harbors the disease doesn't seem to matter to her. I'm gonna kill Jim. Oh, sorry, Nurse Masters tells me I'm not supposed to threaten homicide in my Medical Log. But Jim deserves it.

 

**Medical Log: supplimental**

Oh, sorry. The _Captain_ deserves it. 

 

 


	4. Captain's Log 3

**Captain's Log: Stardate 3708. … oh, whatever.... I make it up half the time anyway**

We've come across a bit of an anomaly. A planet, nearly identical to the Earth in mass, composition, and atmosphere. Really, though, how many of these identical-to-Earth do we have to encounter before it stops being an anomaly? Why not a identical-to-Vulcan, or an identical-to-Omicron-3?... Precisely _91.76542,_ Mr. Spock? Is that right? You do realize that I was asking a rhetorical question, don't you?.... Oh. Of course, you _wouldn't_ believe in rhetorical questions. _Damn mumble mumble hobgoblin mumble illogical._ What? Oh, I didn't say anything!... Oh, for the... yes, I knew I left the Log on! Here's an idea! How about you – and everybody else – stop contradicting me while I'm doing the Log, and _maybe_ we'll stop having all these fucking problems!....................... _Yes....thank you,_ _Mr. Spock...._ I am perfectly aware that cursing is frowned upon whilst contributing to the Log....... No, you're highly illogical!.......No, dammit, I do not need you to call Bones up here, I am perfectly in control of my emotions. I've no need for hypos, or any -

**Captain's Log: Stardate 3708.5, First Officer Spock reporting**

The Captain seems to be having... technical difficulties. Suffice to say, I – being second in command – saw fit to... forcibly place him into a state of rest, during which he shall – hopefully – regain his faculties, and once again take back command of his ship. Let it be noted that the Captain has of late been suffering a tremendous amount of stress, and that a rest – however involuntary – was in due order. We shall now proceed to send a landing party down to the planet. With _myself_ in command, I see no reason that any problems should take place during the planet survey.

 

**Captain's Log, supplemental: First Officer Spock reporting**

Mission was successful, and uneventful. Science report to follow soon.

Spock, out.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's Log: In case you hadn't noticed, these little sketches of life aboard the Enterprise tend to point out some of the more absurd things about TOS. Indeed, why do they encounter so many planets like Earth, but never any like any other planet? Theories? Suggestions? I am open to anything you, the reader, can give me on this perplexing matter....
> 
> Writer's Log, supplemental: Okay, perhaps I should have been more specific. I've been watching TOS lately, and some of the planets they encounter are just ridiculous. Bam! modern-day Roman Empire. Bam! Gangsters from the 1920s. Bam! Nazis! Bam! Navajo Indians on a planet halfway across the galaxy! And wasn't there an episode early first season with a planet that looked exactly like Earth... Maybe I just need to calm down...


	5. Captain's Log 4

**Captain's Personal Log: Stardate 4105.3**

What the _hell_ is it with all these damn lights? It's like, every time something dramatic happens, some light just shines _right_ into my eyes. It doesn't seem to affect anybody else. I mean, it totally accentuates my natural beauty, and all, and – oh, wait, yeah! It's _not_ just me! Whenever some pretty woman that I've just met, looks at me... it's weird... there's like this soft, rose colored light that appears and seems to accentuate their... prettiness. But, then it gets even weirder. It started happening lately when Spock looks at me too. That didn't used to happen... And rose really isn't his color. Makes him look kind of sick.... Oh, whatever. Note to self: get Scotty to fix the freaky lighting problem.

 

**Captain's Personal Log, supplimental:**

Okay, so Scotty _fixed_ the lights. Now they're shining in _everybody's_ eyes _all_ the time. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's Log: Seriously, what is with all these lights. Not only in TOS, but the Alternate Original Series (AOS) movies? You'd think that two hundred years from now, they'd figure out how to keep the lights out of peoples eyes? I mean, honestly. It's almost as if they're doing it on purpose....


	6. Captain's Log 5

**Captain's Log: Stardate 370 – Hang On, W _hat_ , Spock, I'm Doing The Log – Oh... Right. Stardate 3 _8_ 01.5**

The Enterprise has been ordered to survey a planet for possible benefits to the Federation. While my First Officer, Commander Spock informs me that there few raw materials and therefore mining is out of the question, there is fertile soil and rich vegetation suitable for colonization and farming. He also tells me that a certain amount of caution is advisable when dealing with unknown planets, and previously unexplored flora and fauna. You know, Spock, your logic can be most annoying....... especially when I have no good arguments against it. And Dr. McCoy has, as always, been sharing his usual excessive, unwanted, and overemotional thoughts with me. Primarily concerning whether Roxanne Taylor, security officer, and the only person on this ship younger than Chekov, should be picked for the away team. Just think, little Roxanne on the security team...... Oh, relax, Bones, she'll be okay.We stopped putting bull's eyes on the redshirts a long time ago. Why don't you go back to your cave where you belong, and I'll call you if we need anything. Yeah, yeah, I get it, you're a doctor, not a vampire! He he..... you'd look funny with fangs... Right, sorry, Log. Back to the matter at hand... Spock's ears. He still won't tell me if he's part cat or not. He also won't tell me if Vulcans can purr..... Spock? Are you alright? I can't tell if your nauseous or just blushing. Sorry, could you make that hand gesture again, the damned lights got in my eyes, I couldn't see... Oh, is that some sort of Vulcanized way of flipping me off? Hey! Don't you walk away from me!...................... What is it, Roxanne?.... Oh, damn! The Log......

**Captain's Log, supplemental:**

Well..... _Roxanne_ survived....... Bones, I swear if you say, ‟he's dead, Jim″ _one_ more time, I will cover you in glitter and trap you shirtless on the bridge.

Kirk, out.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's Log: Got some classics in there, I think. Please tell me if you find this funny. I'm a little off my humerus bone today.... Get it? "humerus/humorous" I mean my funny bone! 
> 
> Writer's Log, supplimental: Okay so, maybe I had to look up how to spell humerus...


	7. Interlude: Sexy Captain's Log

SEXY CAPTAIN'S LOG I

 

**Sexy Captain's Log: Stardate 3704.2**

Chekov caught me staring at Spock earlier this evening. Note to self: must keep downstairs brain in check on the bridge. Oh, hell, what does Chekov know? He's nineteen. When I was nineteen, I... well, never mind. That's a story for another time, Sexy Captain's Log... I'm not actually sure that I'm allowed to make a Log like this. I mean, it's my personal Log, but... well, it's not hurting anybody. Let the naughty times ensue. Er... okay, so it's more like me angsting over the naughty times I want to have, but am too scared to go for. Hmm. Now I just feel sad. Why don't we pick this up some other time, Sexy Captain's Log. When I'm more in the mood.

Kirk, out.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's Log: I don't fucking know.


	8. Captain's Log 6

 CAPTAIN'S LOG V

 

**Captain's Log: Stardate 3809.536 precisely**

The _Enterprise_ is proud to welcome Commodore Michelle Anchorage to the Bridge. Say hello, Commodore. She will be with us for three days until we reach Star Base 10, where we are transporting her for a meeting with the Ambassador Kasic of the Vulcan High Council. I expect an uneventful, but happy trip in which, hopefully, nothing out of the ordinary will throw us completely off course.

**Captain's Log: Supplemental**

We've been thrown completely off course. According to the Ensign Chekov, the navigation systems have suffered a major malfunction which left us completely unaware that our course had been altered. I hope this doesn't reflect badly on the crew, Commodore Anchorage. Believe it or not, weird things like this happen all the time. Always, ‟Something's gone wrong, Captain″ ‟Unable to contact Starfleet, Captain″ ‟We're all going to die, Captain.″ We always get back on track eventually.

**Captain's Log: Supplemental**

As of yet, we have been unable to determine the source of our problems, and are unable to correct them. However, Mr. Spock has seen fit to inform me that the only rational explanation for the current crisis is sabotage.... This is most discomforting, as I expect only the best out of my crew, and the only other known living being on the ship is the Commodore. No offense, Commodore. But the evidence is sound....

**Captain's Log: Supplemental**

You're... uh... you're not gonna believe this, Log, but we seem to have identified the source of our malfunction. Apparently, some sort of invisible being/incorporeal lifeform thing that lives in two hundred year old whiskey from Kentucky was released unceremoniously from it's slumber by none other than Mr. Scott, Chief Engineer and resident drunk. Don't worry, Log, he was off duty at the time. But the being has... kinda sorta... completely taken over the ship, and is currently on a collision course with the nearest star.... So... in an effort to remedy the situation, I am going to attempt to reason with the being. Mr. Spock has determined that the only way to see and/or interact with it is to... well, I see no reason to put it less than bluntly... if I want to talk to the thing, I need to get completely smashed. Mr. Scott has graciously volunteered to assist me in my task.

**Captain's Log, uh... huh... whatever. Kirk reporting from... _what did you want me to say, Scotty?_ Oh! Right. Live from _Enterprise_ Engineering section, it's Saturday night!**

... Hmm... that sounded mucsh better in our 'eads. Oh well. Turns out the spirit izzan alien entity that came to study Earth in the 20 th century, and found out that it merely had to be in the presence of alcohol in order to feelll it's uffects. Whennut tried to take control of the ship, it was only doing wut came natshural to it by... what did you say?... oh right, ‟attempting to entertain and serve us to the fullesht.″ Or some shit like that. What did the star have to do with that again, Scotty? I don't... oh, who cares. The entity has released control and is willing to go back to the bottle it came from and let us get back to our... whatever it is we're doing. It's really a nice... guy? Ah! Spock, there you are! He he, Spooooock. Spoooooooooooooock. You have such a cool name. It really pops, you know. Really... really stands out from a crowd. It's all... cool and stuff.... Oh, shut up, Scotty, nobody asked you... No I am not all tizzyfor my First Officer. What does that even _mean_? Damn you and yur damn... shut up... I am not... am not! No, YOU get over yourself!... Spock, make him stop disagreeing with me... Yes, it is very mucsh within your duties as First Officer, thank you very much... Oh... well, it's too late now, Scotty's passed out. Oops. Maybe we had a bit much.... Aah! Wait! What are you doing, Spock! I am not a child, I do not need to be carried... but kudos for the upper body strength... do you work out?.. He he... Hey, you're not going to tell the Commodore about thish, are you?... We can... you know... keep it between us.... Anyway, Log, I should probably sign off now.

Kirk... Something, something... to infinity and beyond!

 

**Writer's Log:** okay, so it's probably not my best work, but I still had fun with it. I rather like drunk Kirk. He's even more... shall we say... charming? *shrugs* Hope you liked it! I'll try to update the next one as soon as possible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's Log: okay, so it's probably not my best work, but I still had fun with it. I rather like drunk Kirk. He's even more... shall we say... charming? *shrugs* Hope you liked it!


	9. Captain's Log 7

CAPTAIN'S LOG VI

 

**Captain's Log: Stardate 3933.2**

Perfectly uneventful Away Mission planned on a planet with no life more advanced than a tadpole, yet with rich beauty the likes of which has rarely been seen. Make note, Mr. Spock, to order shore leave for the crew assuming everything is peachy on the ground. BRB.

**Captain's Log: Stardate 3933.5: First Officer Spock Reporting**

The Captain, as it would seem, has managed to get poisoned by a particularly vicious breed of tadpole – or so he informs me – and is currently in Sick Bay, awaiting the antibiotics, anticoagulants, and anti-venom to run their course. Presumably, everything did not go as _peachy_ as the Captain anticipated. However, I have ordered the other away teams to incorporate some common sense into their proceedings, and I have no serious reservations about opting to allow a shore leave for all crew. That is all.

 

 


	10. Captain's Log 8

 CAPTAIN'S LOG VIII

 

**Captain's Log, Stardate 4286.9:**

The Enterprise is currently in orbit around the planetoid Zeta Sigma Alpha 17. We are under orders to investigate possible mining of dilithium crystals which previous scans have shown as plentiful. Commander Spock has also ran scans which indicate zero life forms. It is a Class K planet with the capability of supporting life provided there are vacuum sealed domes of breathable air. As the planet is previously unoccupied, the away team will be in life support suits. To... support out lives.

**Captain's Log: supplemental**

Apparently, when scans say that the planet below is uninhabited by any lifeforms whatsoever, and that the atmosphere is noxious to humanoids, what they're really trying to say is that somewhere, there's some being capable of _creating_ a breathable atmosphere and other people to amuse us because this being wants to treat us like the kings and queens that we are by serving our every want and whim because _maybe_ this being is a little off in the head. - Oh, _was_ that a run-on sentence, Spock? I hadn't realized!

**Captain's Log, Stardate 4287: Lieutenant Commander Scott Reporting**

Cannae get a hold of the away team. Like that's new. And the Captain left me in charge again, so it looks like I've got to do something smart and rescue thee poor damsels in deestress. Again. Get down!

Scott, out.

**Captain's Log, Supplemental, Captain Kirk Reporting:**

Seriously, am I being punk'd? Trying to see how ridiculous you can see the Captain act before he finally explodes? Don't answer that Spock, it was rhetorical. Yes, I know how unlikely it would be for me to explode! That's why the question was rhetorical!

**Captain's Log, Supplemental**

Something's... uh... wrong with Spock. You know that being I mentioned earlier. Well, it had been sort of... oogling over Spock all evening, saying how he was such a _fine_ specimen, and fawning over his strength and longevity. *grumblegrumblefilthysonofawhoregrumble* … anyway, I'm pretty sure that Spock's been possessed by the being, as he is currently in the other room after having declared out loud that I was to become his consort. Not that I'm not flattered – but, I'm also fairly certain that he mentioned something about furthering the species.... Really, it's hardly something that my First Officer would say. And as I am not currently aware of a way for a guy to get pregnant, I do know for sure that I really don't want to be the first test subject. Even if it is Spock's.

**Captain's Log, Supplemental**

Okay, seriously, someone has to help me. I am trying to be the gentleman here and not take advantage of Spock in his compromised state, but... it does become kind of difficult with him literally throwing himself at me.... *sigh* ...then again... I may just have to take one for the team... I could... no! That would be wrong. Damn me and my astonishingly sudden chivalry!

**Captain's Log, Supplemental**

Well... that was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But aparently the entity/thing that took over Spock's body has some serious rejection issues and essentially committed suicide on his... soul... thingy, leaving Spock free and clear of any weirdness, if not slightly confused and disoriented as he seems to recall nothing that had transpired. Fuck my life.

Kirk, out.


	11. Interlude 2: Audience Log

**Random Observer's (the Audience's) Log: Stardate... how the hell does that calendar system work, anyway?**

It's weird, isn't it, how when the ship it hit by something and the crew get's thrown around, that they just seem to be rolling around aimlessly on the floor, while, somehow, Kirk manages to stay in his chair, perfectly safe, not even a hair out of place on his pretty head? I mean, he's the captain, and he's awesome and brave and smart and a badass, but really... Not even _he_ can outwit physics and inertia for the sake of hairstyle.

Audience, out.

 **Writer's Log** : It's just something I saw in a TOS episode I watched recently, and probably is not a common occurrence at all. But it made me giggle. *Kirk, in his chair* ‟Everyone alright?″ *Everyone groaning from the floor* *Kirk nods* ‟Good, back to your posts!″

 


	12. Spock's Log

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super gay. no apologies.

**First Officer Spock's Personal Log: Stardate... unimportant,**

I believe... I have finally known true happiness. It was, at first, such a mix of complex emotions, that initially, I found myself rather overwhelmed. Never before have I been unable to conceal my true feelings as I was in that one peculiar moment. The feeling of pure elation, whilst trying to hold back a smile. To not know whether the sounds threatening to come out of my mouth were laughter or sobs. To want to cry... happy tears. This, before, was quite unknown to me, as I believed it always would be. Jim, however.... Against all odds, and after all we've been through together... has surprised me – something, I must admit, which _no_ _longer_ surprises me. I had thought about the step I took today for... a very long time. Such a period, even I could not hazard to guess. As it happened, after nearly an hour's serious contemplation in the Captain's ready room, where I requested the Captain's presence, exactly as I was about to say what I _felt_ , Jim held up a hand to stop me. He then stated, and I quote, ‟I know, Spock. I'm totally ass over teakettle in love with you too.″ Needless to say, I was rendered quite without words. He then gave me what humans refer to as a ‟high five″ and exited the room. In undue fashion, I was rather confused. I am not completely sure whether the Captain knows much about Vulcan culture... though perhaps maybe he does, as a ‟high five″ to us is the equivalent of what humans view as ‟third base.″ Based on the Captain's rather... provocative past, it is perhaps his way to jump right in as such.... This requires further meditation. And perhaps a more in-detail lesson on Vulcan mating rituals. Jim does seem to be a rather ‟hands-on″ leaner.

Spock, out.

 


	13. Captain's Log 9

**Captain's Log: Stardate 4295.8**

Hey, Log! So, yeah, the _Enterprise_ was on a routine survey mission of a newly discovered planet where we discovered a very primitive society of some bipeds with bright blue scales instead of skin. Kind of like creepy blue lizards, down to the forked tongue. But that's not important. What _is_ important, is that there... was a bit of an accident with the cloaking device on our shuttle and we were revealed. And long story short... me and Spock have been falsely identified as gods. I'm pretty sure their carving our likeness from stone as we speak. And trust me, if there was anyway we could get back to the shuttle and just leave, we would, except... well... we're kinda sorta going to be – as they said – released from our mortal shells and allowed to return to our natural, all-powerful, all-knowing selves, from whence we may lead their people into a new age of peace and prosperity. Of course, our universal translators have been a bit out of sync lately, and for all I or Mr. Spock know, they could have said ‟a new age of war and vengeance on their enemies.″ So... like I said, totally not my fault. And I – oh, wait, their coming down the hall. I'll let you know what happens later, Log. Assuming that there _is_ a later in store for us. _Spock, I don't wanna die. You have to fix this...... oh, don't tell me it's impossible! What do I keep you around for anyway, if not to do the impossible............dammit, don't give me that. Of course it's possible to do the impossible! That's the whole idea of_ enterprise _. Endeavoring to_ do _the impossible... like last night..............What? Oh, goddammit!_ Sorry, Log, you weren't meant to hear that last bit. Wish us luck. And oh! If we _do_ come back from this, remind me to kill Sulu for placing bets on the next time we almost die.... just one more day, and I would have won the whole lot.

Kirk, out.

 

**Writer's Log:** Way to not fuck with the Prime Directive, guys. Honestly, how did the TOS crew  _ never _ get in trouble for that?

 


	14. Captain's Log 10

CAPTAIN'S LOG XIV

**Captain's Log: Stardate,**

(bla bla... words....events... ship's business...) Oh! Mr. Spock, I need to see you in my quarters later. There're some... reports we need to go over. …........................... (insert eyesex here)............................ Great! Anyway, (bla bla ignoring everybody else bla bla)

Kirk, out.  

 

 

 **Writer's Log:** So I might have paraphrased a bit...


	15. Captain's Log 11

**Captain's Log: Stardate... Uh... Of Incredible Importance, I Assure You. Believe Me, If I Knew It I'd Tell You, But Considering That Bones And I Have Been Trapped On A Planet For A Few Days, I'm A Little Fuzzy On The Details. Needless To Say, It's Probably Something Like 4300**

So, yeah... like I said, it's been a tough couple of days here on the planet. Though, really, it probably wouldn't be so bad if it weren't just _me and Bones_. Seriously, I love the guy, but there's only son long that you can spend with him alone in a cave, without any word from above. If he's not worrying, then he's bitching, and if he's not bitching, then he's tricoding me every goddamned chance he gets. Really, it's not so bad, being stuck on planet. I know there's really no worry with the ship, our systems have just been malfunctioning a bit lately. The computer's kind of... been a bit frazzled, and has been acting out in some – admittedly – odd ways. About a week before this little mishap, it threatened to alter the to only serve chicken noodle soup for the remainder of the five year mission. This was, of course, after I... um... complained in my Log about it. Who knew it was so sensitive. Then the other day, Spock apparently had the nerve to question one of it's findings. Of course, the dressing down the computer gave him was priceless. I've never seen Spock so flustered. But, yeah, anyway... Me and Bones are perfectly safe and well fed – the vegetation down here is gorgeous – and there's a hot spring about fifty yards away from our cave. It's like a vacation. If only Spock were here... Oh well, we can make it up to each other when the computer calms down. It just needs to throw it's little tantrums every once in a while, so that we know that it has feelings. I guess... Oh shit! Gotta go, Log, Bones's found me again, and he looks pissed. _What's that in your hand, Bones? *squeals* Hey! No need for the hypo, dammit... you're mean... aha! Suck it, Bones! I've got your med bag! Now what're you gonna... Jesus! How many of those damn things do you have? Woah. Easy there, tiger..._

Help me...

 

 **Writer's Log:** Mostly, this is just a long-winded half-asleep ramble that came out in the middle of the night. Enjoy.


	16. Captain's Log 12

**Captain's Log: Stardate 4275.3, Kirk, Reporting From Quarters**

The Enterprise has had a grueling past couple of days, what with the upcoming inspection from the Admiralty, we've been working overtime making sure everything's up to spec. Chief Medical Officer McCoy has had his hands full with the sudden outbreak of the flu – seriously, how have we not cured that yet – and shouts obscenities at me every time I call for an update. Oh, and he's also banned me from Sick Bay. Insists that with my luck, I'd catch it the second the door opened. *Buzz!* Oh, speaking of, looks like there's someone at the door. *Shwish!* Oh, Mr. Spock. *Shwoosh!* Perfect timing. Looks like we're going to need to... what are you doing, Spock? Wait! No, stop. This isn't a Sexy Captain's Log. Mmffff. Oh. He he he. No. Stop. Don't. He he.

Kirk, out.


	17. Sexy Captain's Log 2

**Sexy Captain's Log: Stardate: Horny o'clock**

As it turns out, Spock isn't all that good at subtlety. It's kind of weird when he asks, ‟Jim, are you attempting to seduce me?″ and he actually sounds confused. So I've... swallowed my pride and gone to less than hidden messages to ask for sex. Some of which include: ‟My Spidey Senses are tingling, Spock. Among other things,″ or ‟Shuttle prepped and ready for landing. _If you know what I mean_.″ And my personal favorite, "Stop undressing me with your eyes: use your teeth". Needless to say, whilst my ego has taken a bit of a hit concerning the rest of the crew, Spock's is still... completely nonexistent. Sometimes, I wish I was capable of complete unawareness of my own pride, like him. Then I wouldn't _need_ to be so subtle. Of course, if I didn't feel the need for subtlety, then _nobody_ would have any trouble deciphering my hidden messages. Especially not the person that they're aimed at.... I feel like I'm probably rambling. I'm rambling, aren't I, Log? I usually do when I'm upset. Or happy. Or horny. I've also been recently realized that I make a lot of unnecessary Log entries. Maybe Bones is right, and I really do like the sound of my own voice. I mean, sure, what's not to love... but... sometimes...... What do you think, Log? You still love me, don't you? Right? … Hang, on, there's someone at the door. Oh, hey, Spock. There you are. I called you like half an hour ago. Would you care to engage in an after hours coital adventure that everybody knows we're doing? *whispers* _see what I have to put up with, Log._ What? No, I'm not talking to anybody. I was just looking at something on the computer... No, you can't see it. There isn't any light blinking. And it _certainly_ isn't recording anything. Ooh, are we fighting, Spock? You know, I've always been under the impression that making up is the best.... What do you mean ' _making up what?'_ God, you are so – Oh!... You vindictive son of a bitch. You were just messing with me this _entire_ time, weren't you? That's it! I should punish you for that, making me look like a fool. What? Oh... will... will I?... Huh huh.... why _yes..._ you _have_ been a naughty boy... What? Oh! The Log! Ow, Spock! No, that's for later.

Sorry, Log. _Duty calls_. Kirk, out.

 

 **Writer's Log:** Because my _absolute favorite_ game from whose line is it anyway is 'If You Know What I Mean.' And please, by all means, feel free to share your own overly obvious come-ons in the reviews. Let's make the people who read the reviews before they read the story as uncomfortable as possible. Serves them right, not trusting me to be funny enough....


	18. Transporters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a log.

‟Dammit, Bones. If you don't' get your ass on this transporter pad in the next five seconds, you're fired.″

‟I am _not_ getting on that death trap. And you threaten to fire me three times a day.″

‟Yeah, well this time I mean it.″

‟Unlikely.″

‟I'm serious.″

‟No you're not.″

‟Yes, I am... Bones, you're fired.″

‟No, I'm not.″

‟Yes, you are. That's what happens when you don't do what I say.″

‟Bite me.″

‟Bones... If you don't _obey my orders this instant_ , I'll show you just how much I mean it.″

‟...″

‟...″

‟...″

‟Bones, please...″

‟No.″

‟Hmphhh.″

‟You look like a child when you stamp your foot like that.″

‟I hate you.″

‟Good.″


	19. Bone's Log

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The credit for this one goes to Beawolf's Pen over on ff.net, as i am not nearly smart enough to come up with this on my own. It's basically Bones bitching about Kirk and Spock. Hope you enjoy. You'll notice how much thicker Bones' accent gets the longer he rants.

**McCoy's Personal Log: Stardate: 4310.0**

Bloody hell mother of Christ on a cracker! Those little shits will be the death of me, I swear. Since Jim and Spock got together, I've caught them at it no less than seven times. _Seven times!_ And just let me say, for species that only goes into ‟heat″ once every seven years, Spock is hardly an unwilling participant. And... haha... this isn't even including all the _eye fucking_ that they get into anytime they're in the same room. I walk onto the bridge, and they're just fucking _staring_ at each other. And the damn bridge crew has the gall to come and ask _me_ to talk to the two of them. Give 'em both a good wollup to the head, that's what they need you ask me. Dammit! I'm a doctor not a damn sex psychologist! Anyway, due to fucking peer pressure from the crew, I _did_ try and talk to the bonehead, and they acted all damned confused, like they had no idea what I was on about. Jim was all, ‟nonya business, Bones,″ and ‟quit being creepy, Bones.″ Mother of god, he's a damn toddler sometimes. And Spock! That pointy-eared, cold-blooded hobgoblin got all huffy and embarrassed because he's all ‟private″ and shit. All but accused me o' interferrin'! Iffin I ever get my hands on him, I'll show him what interferrin' feels like. Maybe it they'd stop _humpin'_ in the turboshaft... _morons..._ They – _yes, Christine? What the hell do ya want? Oh... other end o' Sickbay, huh? Scarin' the patients...yeah,_ _ **THEY DON'T KNOW FEAR!!**_ _And shut the damn door!..._ Where was I? Oh, right. Caught'em in a conference room on Deck 4. Damn near gave me a heart attack. Then I caught'em makin' out in the observatory one time. I just can't _understand_ why they don't just go to their quarters. Well... Jim _has_ always been the adventurous type. Probably wants to do it on every surface of the freakin' _Enterprise_. An' he musta infected the hobgoblin as well. I mean, bloody hell! Leave it to those two to cretins to go makin' mine an' everyone else's lives miserable. Everyone 'cept Sulu, or course. Takin' fukin' bets on where it'll be next.... No. You know what? Fuck it! It's not my problem what those dorks get up to... But I swear by all that is holy, if I catch them _one more time_ , I'm gonna hypo their asses with some serious libido-reducing drugs and we'll see who's uncomfortable then!

McCoy, out.  


	20. Shock and Awwww

The entirety of the bridge crew of the USS Enterprise stood (or sat, respectively) in awe. Chekov and Sulu were turned around in their seats, Checov openly gaping, whilst Sulu with a knowing mischievous smile on his face. Uhura's eyes were shut in annoyance. Scotty looked confused. Their unified gaze transfixed upon the mesmerizing sight before them.

Captain Kirk and Commander Spock were standing less than two feet away from each other, and saying nothing. Almost as if neither could quite believe what Jim had just blurted out in front of the entire bridge crew. After a moment, Spock seemed to regain his senses. Giving the most subtle shake of his head, as if a Vulcan would actually do such a thing to clear his thoughts, Spock asked, "Could you repeat that, Captain?"

Seemingly a bit shocked himself, Jim blinked forcefully a few times, mouth hanging open. "Umm... Marry me?"

The silence was deafening, the tension heavy, as the crew waited for his response. Jim was visibly sweating. "Well... Don't just leave me hanging here."

Spock's mouth opened slightly, as if he was about to give an answer, but he seemed choked. The crew leaned in. After what felt like hours, finally, Spock closed his mouth and nodded, one corner of his mouth quirking up.

Jim let out a yowl like a cowboy wrangling a steer, and jumped forward, smashing against Spock like a tidal wave, while the crew of the  _Enterprise_  cheered.

Suddenly, Bones walked in, stopped, stared for a moment, then shouted in a fit of rage, ‟Oh my god, would you at least keep it off the bridge!″

Jim turned to him and said, ‟An apple a day keeps the doctor away!″ and threw the apple he had been eating previously at the doctor.

Bones hissed and scurried away.

* * *

 **Writer's Log:**  Yeah, so I'm not really sure how this chapter happened. It wasn't meant to be a proposal at all, but ... well, fuck. Why not? Happy reviewing!


	21. The Mind Wanders

"Kirk to  _Enterprise._ Kirk to  _Enterprise._ Very funny, Scotty. Now  _beam down my clothes!!!"_ _  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, i shamelessly stole this joke from somewhere off the internet.


	22. In the Medbay... Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just fyi, I'm probably not going to be writing any more of these. I really enjoyed doing them though, so if you have any thoughts please let me know.  
> *flies away into the Supernatural fandom*  
> It's been a blast!!

McCoy sighed in frustration. ‟Look, hobgoblin, Jim's fine now, and the crew is worried sick about the Captain already. You being in here is only making it worse; you've already been in Medbay all day. If they don't see you, then no matter what I say, they're gonna continue to worry. So I don't care if you're on duty or not, you get your ass out there and make it look like everything's all right.″

 

After a moment, Spock nodded and stood. ‟I see the logic in your statement, Doctor.″ He released Jim's hand and looked down at the Captain. ‟Jim, I will return once I have sufficiently exposed myself to the crew.″

 

Jim gave a strangled sort of snort and immediately covered his mouth and nose as if to hold back the explosion of laughter threatening to escape. McCoy could only roll his eyes at the suddenly concerned look on the First Officer's face. ‟Dammit, Spock, he's fine. Now get out.″ Spock gave him a disgruntled expression, but finally walked away.

 

Only after the door slid shut, did Jim finally let out a howl of laughter, followed by a gasp of pain while he clutched at his gut. Then he laughed some more. ‟Oh my god!″ He was nearly doubled up on the bed – and probably only making the injury hurt worse – but he didn't seem to be able to stop.

 

McCoy gave him a whack on the head, and grumbled to himself, ‟Damn green-blooded hobgoblin, and his lack of human interaction.″

 

That only seemed to make Jim laugh harder.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Writer's Log: I have problems


End file.
